With Gratitude for Grieving

"Loss of any kind, including the loss of physical abilities, heals with mourning, and the mourning process is not to be abbreviated in a pained haste to move from personality to soul consciousness. Far better to sit with the pain and cry, should one so choose. Mourning is a gradual process of the heart best lived softly and with grace, with kindness, gentleness, and compassion for self."

Robert Schwartz

Having experienced the recent loss of my Mother and my twin brother and more recently the loss of a close cousin, my family has certainly experienced the grieving process. The loss of family and friends can bring about so much suffering; however, I have found as I've gotten older, the pain of loss is not quite as hard to accept as it once was. For example, the deep pain of the loss of my Dad when I was a teenager lasted 40 years or so. I shared this quote above because it is so honest, beautiful, touching and so very healing. When loss brings about pain, it is so important to let it out, not to stuff it or salve it with alcohol or drugs or money or things, which are only a temporary fix.

Mourning is actually very cleansing. My experience with my Dad’s death took very long because I didn’t know how to heal myself. Later, with the experience of more losses, I found the gentleness that Robert Schwartz mentions is so healing and so very cleansing. It takes time, yes, and it takes learning how to release all that emotion. Tears may sometimes seem out of control but are so soothing – they wash away the pain. I highly recommend letting it out through tears. Think of them as God’s healing way to allow pain to seep out.

They say every loss brings about an opportunity to continue to heal from previous losses, an opportunity to heal what never got healed. I have found this to be true. Losses in my 40s helped me to heal from losses in my earlier years. It helped me to reach a point of letting it all out to move forward without such heaviness.

For anyone suffering from loss, even the loss of a little pet, since those are often the hardest because we truly give and receive unconditional love from them, know that our loved ones are doing well and are actually helping us to heal. They are just in another aspect of life and can even be of more support to us here on earth.

When we are able to release the pain to see the beauty of all life, the amazing gift we are each given, we realize it is all a gift of grace. There is actually no real loss, just the loss of what we consider our earthly attachments. Some say they (our loved ones) are actually within a hair’s width of distance from us. They know our pain and actually help us through that pain. They have served their purpose on earth as we will, too. We will each move on to our next step to continue to become pure love, the love that is already within each of us. 

Be gentle, be kind and find patience with yourself. Allow yourself to be exactly where you’re at. No need to numb the pain; walk gently into that vulnerability. If you find you are ready to drop into tears, accept yourself at that very moment, find gratitude for those very intimate and loving feelings. Try not to resist – that will only cause more suffering. Gently release the pain to find peace and serenity. Trust that you will get through this experience.

With Gratitude for the Self

In the past months, we’ve talked about our story and how it fits into God’s Story, how redemption refines our story and how in today’s frenetic world, meditation provides calm to our story. Today, I’d like to talk about the self and how it sometimes gets in the way until the real self, our soul, comes through.

In our society, when we greet someone, we exchange our labels (mom, dad, carpenter, engineer, teacher, college student). In order to live in our world, feel comfortable and a part of society, we often create labels and even take steps not to lose them; in fact, we often try to multiply all the things we are. By doing so, we feel like we belong, we’re accepted and we have a purpose. These labels sometimes become attachments, something to hang onto. As we expand our life, we see changes; our family grows, our working experience expands. But, in reality, that is still a limited view of our self. You might say we only see a sliver of what’s really going on, what reality truly is.

In a recent post, we talked about meditation, where we can get in touch with a greater reality, our soul. Some are afraid to venture into this space; and yet, it offers more than we can ever imagine. We may think it fantastic to Google something; but, right within us, we have the ability to ask a question and receive the answer, specific to our needs. I think what stops us is our fear and our belief that we are not worthy. Who could really care that much about me? So, instead, the thought that we are not worthy gets buried deeply and eats away at us and we become stuck and further attached to worldly things for their make-believe comfort. I believe somewhere deep inside we actually know why we stay attached to worldly things but hesitate to venture into the spiritual realm.

Part of attachment on earth is actually to find ways to separate – to find blame, to point fingers or to make me right and you wrong. This keeps things nice and neat and compartmentalizes everything so we stay in control (or so we think). But all the finger pointing eventually leads to one person – our self. In the end, we are the only ones who do not love ourselves, who cannot forgive ourselves, who deceive ourselves, who betray ourselves and who judge ourselves. No one does that to us, no matter how much we seek to blame; we do it to ourselves; that is, until we accept God into our lives, relinquish control and come to learn that God has loved us all along. Gerald Sittser expresses this beautifully:

“Trappist monk and author Thomas Merton warned that sooner or later every one of us will have to descend into the abyss and enter the darkness. Schooled in the mystical tradition, he was especially attracted to the writings of John of the Cross, who taught that passing through the ‘dark night of the senses’ and the ‘dark night of the soul’ is both inevitable and necessary in the life of faith. It is the only way to be weaned from all earthly attachments, even religious, to mature in faith, and to surrender our cherished – and imagined – control. It is a simple and easy task to live by faith when light shines all around us and God provides ample evidence of his presence, goodness and power. Then again, faith always comes easily when it isn’t really needed, as love comes easily in romance. But such easy faith must come to an end in order to become true faith, as romantic love eventually must include the disciplined work of marital love. We must leave the mountain, where all seems clear, and descend into the terrifying darkness below. Faith is not faith when it sees, wills, and gets what it wants; it is not the same as self-confidence, natural optimism or positive thinking.”

What is required to let go of attachments is to have enough humility to surrender. Have faith, be calm and find courage; it is available to us all: “For the law was given through Moses, but grace and truth came through Jesus Christ.” All that’s required is we ask for help and God’s loving kindness will appear.

The Grace of Memory

I have always been fascinated by clouds. For many years, while driving to work I’d look up at the sky and thank God for the clouds – for the new and vast array He painted each morning. Of late, I’ve been intrigued by what Microsoft or Apple call the Cloud or the iCloud – you know, the thing that “empowers your business” or “makes sure all your photos, documents are up to date.” Wow, after all these years of noticing clouds, I had no idea they could do all that! So, that made me wonder – what happens when the clouds move away? And, how do you know which cloud your “stuff” is on? And, if you know me, you know I would ask: “Who’s organizing all this?” That leads me to another thought – once again, the computer world is trying to mimic a human! Here they are, putting items in storage on a cloud; so why didn’t they just call it a brain? And, that got me to thinking about our brain.

Did you know we typically process 100,000 thoughts per day? Think of the amazing filing system our brain entails! Did you also know the brain consists of around 150,000 miles of blood vessels, working perfectly even at high speed?

Relating technology’s “cloud” to our brain made me think of all the wonders of our brain. You hop onto a bike and instantly your brain goes to that file to determine how to ride or you get into your car and the same process happens and soon you’re moving along. The amazing part is the memory. Isn’t it awesome that you can think of someplace you’ve been and picture it instantaneously, with clarity, color and detail. What a gift. Our memory also helps us remember those who have passed – visualizing a person’s smile or a fun moment with that person. A sweet memory.

But then there are also moments that are not so pleasant to remember. Sad moments or argumentative moments or hurtful moments are not so nice to remember. Yet, sometimes we wallow in these moments even though it causes suffering. Eckhart Tolle says “Suffering usually relates to wanting things to be different from the way they are.” Tolle, known for his book A New Earth, also says “As long as you resist suffering, it is a slow process because the resistance creates more ego to burn up. When you accept suffering, however, there is an acceleration of that process which is brought about by the fact that you suffer consciously.” Thus, “The fire of suffering becomes the light of consciousness.”

I have heard that when we go to the past in our memory, we go to depression; and when we go to the future, we bring about anxiety. Isn’t it amazing that in a few seconds we can recall something negative from the past and instantly create a belief that something drastic could happen in the future, based on that thought? So, in one quick moment, we’ve handed our self a double whammy! It makes me wonder why we ever think negative thoughts!

So, here’s my thoughts on this whole memory thing – you can store whatever you want on a Cloud, if you choose; but try really hard when something from your own memory comes up to find the good in it – to find a redeeming factor to it – to realize you wouldn’t have grown if that had not happened to you, to remember that we’re all human; and if that memory is painful, know that the person who initiated the pain only ever experienced pain related to that issue. Time to find compassion.

If you had not suffered as you have,

there would be no depth to you as a human being,

no humility, no compassion.

Eckhart Tolle

With Gratitude for my Twin

With my twin brother’s passing over a year ago and with our 66^th birthday approaching, I thought it would be nice to do a post about his life.

Mike and I were born in a mid-western family – a good family unit with a loving home and the goodness of a beautiful childhood. We felt safe and secure and our needs were provided for and we had the support of family, friends, neighbors and our church. Mike loved people and he was constantly on the go. In fact, one day, he arrived at our Dad’s grocery store on his tricycle (yes, he was riding a tricycle, so you know how little he was). The grocery store was a few blocks away and it required crossing a pretty busy street. When my Dad saw him, he asked “Where’s Mom?” I don’t know how Mike responded but our Dad soon called our Mom and asked “Do you know where Mike is?” She responded: “He’s in the backyard!” “Oh no, he’s not,” he replied! That was most likely the start of Mike’s shenanigans!

Throughout our growing-up years, he was known for getting stitches. Mike had more stitches in him than anyone I’ve known! Sadly, when we were about five or six, he knelt on a sewing needle in our Mom’s sewing room. His instant reaction was to jump up onto the couch. When my Mom responded to his screams, all she saw was red thread coming out of his knee. Because Mike moved his leg when he jumped, the needle broke within his knee. This required immediate surgery. The doctors thought Mike would never walk again. Once he was out of the cast, our Dad bought a child’s tractor that pulled a small trailer, one that you operated with your legs. Our Dad felt that would make Mike move his legs. It did! However, when the surgery was done, the doctors were only able to get one piece of the needle out. They told my parents that one day, with Mike’s growth and movement, the needle would move and he would let out a shout, which happened on an Easter Sunday when we were all playing at my Aunt’s and Uncle’s home. So, once again, he was rushed to the hospital for further surgery. Because of the needle and the surgeries, Mike hated needles! I remember when we’d have to get our shots, Mike would talk incessantly to the nurse to create any kind of delay. But, Mike did walk again and really didn’t have trouble with his leg until he was beginning to age. That was not the end of the stitches, however! I don’t recall how many times he got stitches; but I do recall visiting our cousins one day and Mike riding a bike, racing back home with a large leaf covering a bleeding gash on his head!

Mike was one to try new things – he would put chains on that little tractor or on his bike in order to continue to ride during the winter months! He was very ambitious – he was out there, always, offering to shovel someone’s walk or to cut their grass or to rake their lawn. His interests were not related to schooling – he was more fascinated with people and making connections. His adult ambitions related to entrepreneurial work – he ran a Hallmark store in Clinton, IL and Scottsdale, AZ and later a wholesale seafood store and lastly a carpet/tile cleaning service. Throughout his life, he was on the go! He offered his services wherever he went, especially to his church and to the needs of those impoverished.

Since we’ve recently talked about “our story” in previous posts, his story was one of hard knocks, really hard knocks – he tried really hard. There was an underlying thread, however, of loss, devastating loss – the loss at a young age of our Dad, the loss of his marriage, the loss of a business – pounding losses. I honestly think he worked himself to death – but more recently, I think God called him home, knowing he had done what he came here to do. Because of his deep losses, he tried, in his own way, to love, to love deeply, but often he pushed people away, too – love too often involved a lot of pain for him. I trust, with all my heart, God’s plan for him and know that he is being healed where we all get healed, eventually.

Wherever you are, Mike, I feel your presence and wish you God’s peace, serenity and love.

With Gratitude for Healers

As we discussed last month, I was very fortunate to receive healing services from a Naturopath and her team, who also offered guidance on living in our fast-paced world. Since this time of year offers an opportunity to rethink, reframe and reboot our lives, I’d like to share some thoughts.

In Naturopathic medicine, a person is considered a human being and the whole presence is considered (mind, body, spirit and emotion), which is called Integrative Medicine. In today’s everyday chaos, however, as a society we are no longer going toward integration. With so many interjections to our day, we are, instead, experiencing scattered thinking and frustration, which causes our body to become off kilter and disjointed – we are always on. When our lives are so scattered, our brain waves are actually in what’s termed chaos, which means our left and right brain are not working together well. Being constantly on, trying to meet all the demands, impacts our health down to the cellular level and has caused people to no longer experience REM (rapid eye movement) sleep, so vital to our health and wellbeing. The good news is, studies done on people who meditate show their brain waves are coherent, the state of being synchronized on both sides.

Meditation can take us to a place within where there is a sense of wholeness with access to love, wisdom and inner strength. I consider this my soul – a place of peace and harmony. As humans, we have a deep, inner longing for wholeness. When we are pulled in so many directions, we become fractured and have to actively cultivate wholeness. Think of your soul as a circle of total pureness, with an outer circle containing the stuff we experience in life (frustrations, fears); tiny fissures break into the outer ring of our being, which causes us to experience confusion or the feeling of being lost or disconnected. In this state, it is very hard to hear or feel our intuition.

Meditation helps us to cultivate wholeness by creating an awareness of our self and our environment; it develops patience and opens us to all of life’s offerings instead of only those blaring at us through technology. Our body, at any given second, is responding to our every need; the more we live in a fractured environment, the more we waste needed energy. Meditation helps us to meet chaos with calm; it helps us to find clarity in situations, instead of responding with knee-jerk reactions. Meditation also brings acceptance of our self and others. This does not mean we have to agree with everyone, nor do we have to condone everything; acceptance allows us to just let it be.

Remember to honor the being in you; take really good care of you and find healing through meditation.

I wish to acknowledge Dr. Susan Godman, Dr. Cheryl Kasdorf and Ms. Paula Zuccarello of

Partners in Health Care, Naturally, Prescott, Arizona

"In Mind-Body Integrative Medicine, we listen to the symptoms and to the story behind them as our guide to treat the cell and the self. We work to cure the biology as we simultaneously heal the biography. Only when both the cell and the self are tended to, can we find authentic, deep healing." Dr. Paul Epstein

With Gratitude for Health

I am truly excited about 2016! This past year has been quite an experience for me. Early last year, I began to have bouts of lightheadedness, like my blood sugar was dropping. Just prior to that, as I’d go about town, I kept passing a Naturopath’s office – my gaze was always drawn to her signage: Partners in Health Care, Naturally. One day, as I saw the doctor entering her office, she turned, looked up at the sky and gave a really big smile – I knew that was a sign, so I made an appointment.

Dr. Godman was able to determine immediately that I was in severe adrenal fatigue. She explained that there were too many “big” life stressors that had occurred in my life without any respite in between (I moved and then lost my mother and my twin brother, all back to back). When I asked her how she knew so quickly, she told me “I see this all the time – it’s also due to the society we live in.”

The adrenal fatigue I experienced was so severe that I often felt like I was going to drop on the floor and that was going to be the end of me. I literally felt very close to death; after researching this, I realized I had been very near death. My body was literally depleted. What I needed was protein and lots of it, every hour or so. I hardly left my home for the first four months – a two-minute phone call swallowed up my energy, as did a 15-minute trip to the grocery store. In order to make the trip to the store, I had to eat 60 grams of protein; once in the store, I typically felt like I was going to drop on the floor. I always had almonds with me – that was what the doctor recommended – and I kept a bag of almonds next to my bed. It took everything in me to fix a breakfast of eggs and veggies, which was what was recommended, because eggs seem to be what our body processes most quickly to replenish us.

I’m writing this because adrenal fatigue is becoming very prevalent in our society.  We’ve all heard of the “fight or flight” mode of stress. If we have a near-miss accident or we have to run quickly to get out of the way of an oncoming vehicle, our fight or flight response kicks in. Our body was designed to give us an adrenaline rush in order to meet the demand of what used to be a fight-or-flight situation (an animal chasing us). Today, due to such a fast pace and the constancy of everything, so many things demand our attention that our body is always “on.” Believe it or not – one day, we just run out. I didn’t feel any advanced notice until I began to feel lightheaded. I had no idea it was related to stress. Our body is so amazing that it keeps putting out until it has no more to give. When Dr. Godman told me “Your body is trying to keep you alive,” I realized how serious this was.

Having to experience such limitations gave me an opportunity to reflect – I had always gone at warp speed all my life and expected a great deal from my body. Amazingly though, when my body was at such a low point, I was able to experience a moment with my twin brother and my mom, a closure. I’ve also felt strongly that God “reset my defaults!” My pace in life has been a survival pace, always worrying about how I was going to support myself. I truly feel God has given me this beautiful chance to rebuild myself and to start anew. This new life requires leaning on faith and trust as opposed to allowing the ego to worry all the time! Now it is time to seek joy and wonderment, to relax and play!

So, please remember to pace yourself, eat well, sleep well, exercise, create quiet time, pay attention to how you’re expending energy – let go of any worries or grudges – reach deeply inside to find your connection to Spirit where faith, trust and God’s deepest love exists.

I wish you a beautiful 2016 filled with vibrancy and good health, peace and tranquility!

The Grace of Redemption

We all have a story – a story that entails sweet and loving moments and possibly harsh or heart-breaking ones. Still, it is our story. In the last post, I spoke of Gerald Sittser and the extreme loss he experienced in his life. I mentioned that he included some other life stories in his book, as well. I’d like to share a portion of one story that was truly amazing:

There was a drug bust and a shooting and a young police officer was shot. For a short period, he lay brain-dead in a hospital, then his life supports were removed and he took his last breath. Several years passed, when his sister, Sunday, realized she had forgiven Fred, the accused murderer. She stated “While life was going on around me, God worked on my bruised and broken heart and made me aware of just how much He loves me.” One day, she received a very clear message from God saying He wanted her to go see Fred and He gave her this message: “Tell Fred that I love him. Tell him that I love him so much that I sent my only Son, Jesus, to die for his sins.” Then He said: “Tell Fred that it is not too late to become the man that I designed him to be.” Sunday went right to work on this, did research to locate Fred, wrote to him to ask permission to visit him and requested visitation rights, then met with him face to face. They spoke for quite a while; during that time she shared God’s message with Fred. Before her eyes, Fred committed his life to Jesus Christ; Sunday felt she witnessed a miracle. Sunday and Fred continue to communicate and have created a warm friendship. Amazing Grace.

Gerald Sittser speaks of how our story fits into God’s bigger story and talks of redemption being a paradox: “…we become who we already are in Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ is redemption; Jesus Christ is also the one who works redemption.” This brought to mind a couple passages from the Bible. In Isaiah 64:8 “But, now, O Lord, You are our Father; we are the clay, and You our potter; and all we are the work of Your hand.” And in Zechariah 13:9 “I will bring the one-third through the fire, will refine them as silver is refined, and test them as gold is tested.”

From an article called The Refiner’s Touch, I learned that while a few women were studying the Bible, they decided to research how a silversmith refines silver: “…one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest so as to burn away all the impurities,” said the silversmith. He further explained: “he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire; if the silver was left even a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.” The women asked how he knew when the silver was fully refined. His response: “Oh that’s the easy part – when I see my image reflected in it.” As it was further expressed in Isaiah 48:10 “Behold, I have refined you, but not as silver; I have tested you in the furnace of affliction.”

Gerald Sittser feels redemption has become “significant” in his life and for “very personal reasons;” however, he feels the term redemption can be “alien and even intimidating to us.” In his book, A Grace Revealed, he wants to “reclaim the word and make it understandable, useful, and meaningful for ordinary life.” He states: “Redemption is the work of Jesus Christ applied to the unfolding story of life, your life and my life.” And while “story” is the theme of his book, he stresses: “God has written and played the key role in the story of salvation, which promises to redeem our stories – mending what is broken, healing what is sick, making right what has gone so wrong…a gift of pure grace.”

Being tested in the “furnace of affliction” conjures up painful experiences of life; when we reframe the sadness and difficult times, we create space to know and trust we are being “tested” in the furnace of affliction in order to be honed until God’s image is finally reflected. This is the gift of grace revealed.