The Grace of Forgiveness (continued)

“Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds

on the heel that has crushed it.”

Mark Twain

Whenever I’ve thought about forgiveness, I’ve typically thought about forgiving others.  However, as mentioned in the poem in the previous post, I believe we have to begin with ourselves.  This is a very hard thing to do.  As the poem relates, throughout our life, layers and layers of negative or shameful input seep into our brain; those thoughts become etched into beliefs and we begin to live out those beliefs.  In fact, often we don’t even know how we came to believe such negative information, so it’s hard to know who to forgive.  In the process, we begin to realize those negative thoughts made us react in a negative way to someone else.  We begin to show frustration, anger, or spite toward others, creating even more negativity, which then eventually requires us to forgive ourselves.  Unfortunately, humans do not typically react as kindly as the little violet in the quote above.  Instead, these negative feelings spill into our family communications, our work life and our community and can eventually be the cause of wars among countries.  It’s so hard to believe tiny seeds of negativity can multiply amongst all of us and reach that degree of tragedy, something we’ve experienced way too much in our country recently.

Much has been written about forgiveness and its impact; I’d like to share a few thoughts:

Tom Carpenter, in his blog The Forgiveness Movement: http://theforgivenessmovement.org/blog1/

“Happiness and love are interchangeable; neither exists without the other.  Judgment and pain are also interchangeable.  The choice to exercise either forgiveness or judgment determines which you will have.”

“Forgive the world and you have changed its purpose from judgment to joy.  Forgive yourself and you have found the freedom to love.”

Iyanla Vanzant, in her book One Day My Soul Just Opened Up (1998):

“The truth is, when you forgive, you are doing it for yourself.  As it relates to forgiveness, you must give up what you do not want in order to make room for what you do want.  You must give up pain, anger, resentment, and fear in order to experience goodness, joy, peace, and love.  Offering another the forgiveness they need strengthens the spiritual nature in you.  When you withhold forgiveness or love from anyone, for any reason, it diminishes your awareness of the abundance of good in life.  In essence, the good that you withhold from others will be withheld from you.”

“Sometimes, we make the mistake of thinking that other people have the power to control or alter our destiny.  It is our beliefs, mistaken and otherwise, that ultimately determine what we will do or be in life, not another person.”

“The biggest mistake we all make is believing that other people can hurt us.”

Eckhart Tolle, in his book The Power of Now (1999):

“Forgiveness is to relinquish your grievance and so to let go of grief.  It happens naturally once you realize that your grievance serves no purpose except to strengthen a false sense of self.  Forgiveness is to offer no resistance to life – to allow life to live through you.  The alternatives are pain and suffering, a greatly restricted flow of life energy, and in many cases physical disease.”

Caroline Myss, Ph.D., in her book Anatomy of the Spirit (1996):

“…illnesses develop as a consequence of behavioral patterns and attitudes that we do not realize are biologically toxic until they have already become so.”

“To create disease, negative emotions have to be dominant, and what accelerates the process is knowing the negative thought to be toxic but giving it permission to thrive in your consciousness anyway.  For instance, you may know you need to forgive someone, yet you decide that remaining angry gives you more power.  Remaining obsessively angry makes you more likely to develop a disease because the energy consequence of a negative obsession is powerlessness.  Energy is power, and transmitting energy into the past by dwelling on painful events drains power from your present-day body and can lead to illness.”

“Power is essential for healing and for maintaining health.  Attitudes that generate a feeling of powerlessness not only lead to low self-esteem, but also deplete the physical body of energy and weaken overall health.”

“By releasing our emotional pain, by letting go of our need to know why things have happened as they have, we reach a state of tranquility.  In order to achieve that inner peace, however, we have to embrace the healing energy of forgiveness and release our lesser need for human, self-determined justice.  [This type of] energy can give rise to jealousy, bitterness, anger, hatred, and an inability to forgive others as well as oneself.”

“Genuine, complete healing requires honesty with oneself.  An inability to be honest obstructs healing as seriously as the inability to forgive.  Honesty and forgiveness retrieve our energy—our spirits—from the energy dimension of ‘the past.’”

Lewis B. Smedes, in his book Shame and Grace (1993):

“Forgiveness is a personal drama with five scenes: 1) We blame the shamer [instead of ourselves]; 2) We surrender our right to get even; 3) We revise our caricature of the person who shamed us; 4) We revise our feelings; 5) We accept the person who made us feel unacceptable.”

“When we genuinely forgive, we set a prisoner free and then discover that the prisoner we set free was us.  We walk in grace and gradually learn to dance.”

“If you forgive the sins of any, they are forgiven them;

if you retain the sins of any, they are retained.”

(John 20:23)

The Grace of Forgiveness

I hope your hearts were woven with the golden thread of the Christmas Spirit and that it is still lingering in you and bringing you peace and joy.

In December, I suggested we begin with ourselves this Christmas, by honoring, regarding and caring for ourselves – offering us a Gift of Grace.  This process begins the healing process, which then helps us to extend love to others.  If you recall, this aligns with the philosophy of the Evangelical Sisterhood of Mary (Blog of June 14, 2012): if we repent and reach forgiveness, we can then extend love to others, which, in turn, provides the ability for those to reach forgiveness and to extend love to others.

I’d like to share a poem with you that I wrote when I first began researching Grace:

Forgiveness

There’s something that has come to me,

And, I’ve searched for very long…

In the pit of all our beings,

Is a hatred so very strong.

The hatred stems from trivial things

We’ve believed and come to know…

Through fear and anger, it spills outside ourselves,

Yet, it is we for whom the hatred grows.

Somehow we thought we were less than…

Somehow not good enough…

The deepest Seed inside ourselves

Gets buried in the rough.

Layers and layers have thickened now,

With words that we all know…

The Seed of love is hidden now,

Beneath the dark and frozen snow.

The words we learned were filled with doubt,

“You don’t, you won’t, you can’t…”

The pain of anxiety and hopelessness…

Runs through us like a haunting chant.

Forgiveness is so hard to do,

And, we always look outside,

But, the one who needs it most,

Is the tiny Child inside.

It’s so hard to love ourselves,

With all the ugliness we hold…

We spit, we taunt, we deny ourselves,

No matter what we have been told.

The miracle is that we hold within,

That tender Seed of love…

It carries forth the tree of life…

It’s nourished from Above.

So unwilling are we to accept,

And acknowledge the beauty of…

Our deepest, our only self,

The sweetest Seed called love.

Why do we hide it, oh so deep,

Shut it and keep it at bay…

Why do we bury it under layers…

Pushing it so far away.

My God, My Creator, what have we done…

Why do we beat so hard,

Why do we look upon ourselves,

With so very little regard.

Forgiveness is a spiral,

That heals us along the way,

It cleanses the deep-seated hatred,

And offers us an awakening new day.

This is a Gift to understand,

To begin to know the Truth…

You ask for our dedication…

You taught us in the Book of Ruth.

Your Grace has been Your Gift,

Forgiveness is what You do…

Teach us, Lord, to have the courage,

Help us to do this…for You.

 

                                                                                                            May 18, 2003

I know this may take time to digest, so I will pause here and leave you with this thought: In Ephesians 4:32, the Apostle Paul asks us: “And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.”

The Christmas Present of Grace

Do you have a memory from your childhood where you recall a special gift that was underneath the Christmas tree just for you?  If you haven’t had that experience, can you recall a time that brought a warm feeling of being special?  Hold that thought!

As we know from the story of the birth of Jesus in a manger in Bethlehem, He was born of little means.  However, as He lived His life, it became obvious to His community that He was a profound teacher.  He taught many things, often by example – love, acceptance, kindness, gentleness, patience, humility, forgiveness, compassion, tolerance, etc.

When we’re born, we receive a gift of the life that God provided for us.  On earth, however, we get tumbled around a bit and our life takes many unexpected turns.  We often lose our sense of the gift we were born with and become disconnected from our deep, spiritual self, our soul.  We lose hope, we lose faith, we lose our self esteem or we lose our way.

In Genesis 1:26, it states: “Then God said, ‘Let us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness….’”  This is a hard concept to understand because we think of our physical image.  But, in Matthew 16:25, Jesus said: “For what profit is it to man if he gains the whole world, and loses his own soul?”  On earth, it is easy to forget that we hold within our deepest spiritual self, our soul.  Our soul is where our divinity lies.  Because Jesus displayed human decency, respect and dignity toward all, He acknowledged the importance of honoring each person because each person carries within him or her self that “image” of God – our soul, our being, God’s Light.

On this earth, we are given many chances to show kindness or gentleness or compassion – providing dignity and human decency.  Some consider these traits to be weak – ironically, however, these traits feel good when someone extends them to us.  The story of the New York Police Officer this past week, humbling himself to the homeless man, buying him boots so he wouldn’t go barefoot in the cold, is a perfect example.  There’s a saying: “We never know when we’re in the company of angels” – maybe we’re always in the company of angels!  How many people passed that homeless man, thinking – oh well, just another homeless man in New York.

A gentle act of kindness can show dignity toward another human being.  When we realize the depth of spirituality in each human, it is not so easy to pass them by.  Possibly on this Christmas, you can begin with yourself – honor yourself, take good care of yourself, treat yourself with dignity – realize you are a vessel carrying His Light.  By so doing, you will provide yourself with a special gift, a gift of Grace.  In addition, you can then extend those same traits to others – the dignity that is due to all humans.  Even if there’s not a special gift under the Christmas tree, you will have provided an even better gift by honoring your Light within – a gift of Grace that I hope provides you with that special feeling you experienced as a child.

Wishing you a Blessed Christmas!

The Grace of Acceptance

With the Thanksgiving Holiday approaching, memories naturally come to us of past holiday celebrations, family and friends with whom we’ve celebrated and thoughts of things for which we are most thankful.  As we all know; however, the holidays also bring about memories of loss, life changes, missed opportunities, broken relationships and a feeling that possibly we’re not as far along as we had hoped or that our life just hasn’t turned out as we had planned.  Stirring feelings of emotion that arise during this holiday season may not always be happy ones; however, our feelings provide our life with depth, whether they are happy or sad.

I consider myself very fortunate – as a child our Thanksgiving gathering was typically at my Grandparent’s home.  My brothers and cousins and I recall how my Grandmother always had a little glass of tomato juice on the center of the plate as we sat down for Thanksgiving dinner – a unique gesture that my Grandmother provided that created a lifetime memory.  I know I always looked forward to our gatherings and enjoyed the warmth and laughter of our family members.

This season is also a reminder of how many people are feeling alone or are doing without.  Unfortunately, even though Thanksgiving is a season of gratitude, it can also bring about a feeling of being left out.  Often, people feel “unaccepted” at this time of year if they are not a part of a festive holiday experience.  Our media hypes up everything, which makes it appear that everyone’s table is arrayed with all the festive displays and fancy foods being advertised on the television and in the catalogs pouring into our homes.

These thoughts reminded me of a quote I read a number of years ago, while researching Grace: “The experience of being accepted is the beginning of healing for the feeling of being unacceptable.” (Lewis B. Smedes)   Smedes’ book, Shame and Grace (1993), discusses how everyone experiences feelings of shame at some point in life and how these feelings of shame or “criticism of what they do” can “translate” into “judgment of what they are.”  Here is where the author feels Grace comes in: “Grace is the beginning of our healing because it offers the one thing we need most: to be accepted without regard to whether we are acceptable.”  “Grace stands for gift; it is the gift of being accepted before we become acceptable.”  “…the surest cure for the feeling of being an unacceptable person is the discovery that we are accepted by the grace of One whose acceptance of us matters most.”

In this season of gratitude and thankfulness, perhaps we can find just one person in our path and accept him or her – acknowledge someone’s presence that we might normally pass by, thank the Salvation Army bell-ringer for his or her volunteerism, get to know someone a little better who we see weekly at the grocery store.  We never know what lies behind the faces of people who are “forcing” a smile as they fill our order at the deli counter.  Grace comes into all of our lives and it behooves us to multiply that and offer Grace to someone who needs acceptance, especially at this time of year.

May you and your families and friends enjoy a beautiful Thanksgiving!

Even the Tiniest Graces

After receiving some very special input from my last post (see “comments” underneath the last post), it made me think how important it is to recognize even the tiniest Graces that come into our lives.  Very often, these can be common, normal occurrences; but, just think what your life would be like without them.  I will share a couple examples:

When I was a little girl, my Grandmother would often take me shopping with her.  This was a special treat, which typically meant staying overnight at her home, getting up in the morning and having breakfast with her and heading out for a fun day.  My Grandmother never drove, so we took the bus downtown.  I loved shopping with her – plus, we typically stopped for lunch at a little 1950s coffee shop.  I waited patiently for my Grandmother to order coffee because the waitress would bring a tiny bottle of cream—a miniature milk bottle!  My Grandmother would use what she needed and then let me drink the rest from the tiny bottle.  That memory brings me warmth when I think of those days; and now when I see those little bottles in antique stores, I can smile inside for the Grace that was bestowed upon me.

A more recent experience happened here in the White Mountains of Arizona, where we have really beautiful seasons.  One autumn day, I was looking out the window and golden leaves were beginning to drop.  I wondered what it was like being a leaf—is it exciting to make your last expression on the earth and fall from the tree?  Just at the moment I had that thought, a leaf began to fall from a Gambel Oak Tree outside my window—it literally stopped at eye level to me, spun in a circle a few times, then floated to the ground!  I knew my answer immediately!  That little leaf appeared to be animated with joy!

Lastly, this past weekend, I happened to catch Joel Osteen’s program.  He was talking about the “ingredients” that come into our life – both bitter and sweet.  He shared an analogy of what he taught his children when they were little.  They baked chocolate chip cookies as a family one day – but first – he and his wife set out each of the ingredients and had their children taste them.  Of course, their children were not too pleased to taste flour and baking soda.  His lesson was that sometimes God has us taste the bitterness in life so that we eventually realize that that was only one ingredient that added to the richness of our life.  Just as each of those ingredients, when blended and baked, became yummy cookies, so does our life have ingredients of bitterness and sweetness that, when blended, enrich our life.  The importance is for us to have patience to await God’s plan to come to fruition.  So, when those bitter moments come, know there is a bigger plan that is in the works for God’s beauty to come forth once all the ingredients are blended.  Awaiting the fruition of our life gives us cause to be animated with joy for what’s to come!

The Amazing Grace of God's Will

In my last post, I talked about being receptive to God’s Grace.  In the process, I shared my experience of receiving a message of Grace after trying to understand God’s will and our will.  Let’s talk more about God’s will and how “willingness” (also discussed previously), comes into play.

I understand how hard it is to be willing to accept God’s will.  Our humanity, our ego, wants to cling to something solid and familiar here on earth, something that makes us feel secure and comfortable and something to grasp that won’t let go.  However, that “something” will always be short-lived and soon we will be looking for yet another “something” to replace it.  This brings anxiety, stress and disappointment to our life.

Willingness is required in order to believe, to trust, to let go and to live God’s will.  Often we ask: Does that mean I have to give up painting, which I really enjoy – or writing – or gardening?  God gave each of us wonderful skills and He doesn’t expect us to be something that we are not.  When our heart sings because of the work we do or the pastimes we enjoy, that is His creativity coming through us.  Instead of being afraid that God might turn us into something different that we might not enjoy, realize that God always makes things better for us.  “And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.” (Romans 8:28)

An easier way to look at this is not to look at “what do I need to give up” but realize that God’s Grace is a never-ending gift that just keeps on giving.  Sometimes we get lost in our life’s journey – a loss of a job, financial hardships, tragedies or a loss of someone close to us.  When we are willing, we realize that God actually is using those difficult times to strengthen us and to bring more depth into our lives, which enriches our lives.  So, instead, it becomes an opportunity to await the newness and the change and the plan that God has for each one of us.  This takes patience.  The Creator of the entire universe is supporting us each day – and is with us on every turn – and we must grow in trust to realize that.  Remember this passage: “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.” (Jeremiah 29:11)

Our part in the process is to utilize our will alongside God’s will – it eventually feels like we’re actually working together – what a concept, huh!  In this process, we become so appreciative and grateful for God’s will that we want our will to work together with His.  We relinquish our resistance and receive every moment as a potential to play out God’s will, which is the gift of Grace.

Being Receptive to Grace

A number of years ago, while driving home from a night class, I was having a “chat with God.”  I was trying to understand the difference between His will and ours and how we are to know His will and why we have free will.  Those were all pretty heavy questions.

The next morning, when I came into work, one of my colleagues was reading a passage from a daily inspirational book, which he did every day.  I asked him to share with me what the inspirational passage was for my birthday, which was months prior.  Here is what it said: “God is not willing to do everything and thus take away our free will and the share of glory which belongs to us.” (Machiavelli)  Wow!

That particular daily inspiration went on to talk about the difference between willingness and willfulness.  I’ve kept a copy of that page for all these years, so I’d like to share a portion:

“Willingness is not to be confused with being willful.  Willfulness can return us to our old habits of wanting everything our way and on our own terms.  Willingness prepares us to accept responsibilities.  It gives us courage to change our attitudes.  It rids us of fears of living in an imperfect world.”

I was pretty shocked to receive answers to my questions so quickly.  This is why it’s important to be receptive.  We often totally miss messages of Grace.  These messages come from so many different avenues, too.  We are connected to Spirit all the time; however, it is our willfulness that keeps us from realizing that.  We often get stuck in believing that we know all the answers and what’s best for us.  That’s when we get stuck in our ego.

Isn’t it amazing, with all of God’s ability to impact everything, He is still willing to give us credit for making good choices and good decisions in our life – and He is also willing to stick by us when we make not-so-good choices and decisions.  Amazing Grace!